Chapter 7 The Will, The Time and The Love! Spiders and Cobwebs

"The best way of living the good life is the simple, find someone who is good and be like him or her. Having a good role model in your life is always the way to bring out the best in yourself".

When I consider and reflect on the emotional roller coaster, the travel, the personal growth, the new look me is someone I like. 

I have clarity, I am conscious that I am one lucky lady and I am blessed as I have opportunities and capabilities to embrace many of life’s treasures that are often hidden from view. I have also been given an opportunity to work for  love, big and small love, in areas that I am passionate about and I have my personal independence. My freedom within. I have faith that my life is safe in my hands, in the hands of love and desire.

But mostly I have the love of family and friends that regardless of what, where and why they continue to support and provide a much needed grounding and unconditional support through big love. 

I am prepared for the final challenge relating to my past, I have strength and a conviction that my needs will be met that is both just and fair. As I  am slowly preparing for the return to Australia from Bali, my thoughts have been busier than what I have become accustomed to since practicing my daily meditation program.   

 I am whimsical, I am unsure that I will return to Bali and I am uncertain of the reception in my home town. I am chattering! I have a minimal sum of funds in my bank account. I have ceased working for my employer in Thailand and yet I remain positive. 

Positive that I am managing the journey of my life and that I do not own the sadness that once accompanied me when I was required to meet demands associated with the past! I am free within and mostly I have the ability to forgive!

Sure I am anxious to gain my financial independence in order to truly transcend and begin living life with the matters of the past closed for good. Yet I am comfortable, comfortable that I will be cared for both in the physical and in my faith that I will receive what is right and I will live with abundance. 

I look, I listen and I reflect. How do I feel? Is this journey worth my attention? Worth the pain, the challenge? The self exile in Bali has been mostly  tinged with sadness, with much searching inwards and lonely physically, yet, I have learned more than I could imagine. I have learned to be quiet with myself. To be gentle and allow the hurt to surface, to question and mostly to reflect with satisfaction that I am seeing very clearly how I can live my life. I have discovered that often people are not given a vehicle a body that is beautiful, I have discovered that others are not living to their potential as they struggle with the negative forces that exsist in all of us and around our solar system. Yet, I am, for the first time in my life comfortable with loving and displaying love to all I meet regardless of their behavior towards me or others. I Live my life happily as one! 

 I see friends, I consider their own relationships, the games, the unhappiness, the pretense and I now wonder what I have thought was missing from my life!  

How does a relationship, a couple remain identified with the one, the individual and yet passionate for the life as a couple? How does one remain true with the love and in life of couples? Couples, who are two, sharing a life as one! If I consider the ones, the individuals, of two, a couple, how do I feel? Am I capable in this life to commit to one? 

Is this couple or marriage, the life of love, or eventually a responsibility, a friendship with fringe benefits, or can I possibly achieve the will, the ongoing desire to protect and honor the individuals and the couple?

The very position I lived and almost died, metaphorically, for, would I permit myself to experience this again? 

Do I believe in, trust the concept of  "forever", "soul mates", "kindred spirits", the small love? 

Without the ideal of a couple,of two, then where am I heading? 

I am a sexual being, though believe my sexuality is linked intrinsically with love and oneness. Yet am I not being faithful to my self after years of struggle and strife. and can I possibly love with young abandonment and yet remain independent and faithful to myself. What does this bond or tie have that is so attractive?

How do I trust myself, to rise to the challenge, to have faith in one person? Ooh, the game of life and love of the small kind is one that has many questions rather than answers.

Packed and ready to leave this beautiful Island, I again ponder and wonder if I will return. I wonder what is in front of me, out of view, not seen. I wonder if I can trust in another for that small love, without the fears of hurt and destruction often associated with couples.

One week later and I have began my study of life, my life work has began. Finally, I am convinced that my life will have greater meaning, and more purpose than ever before. I have reopened the story book, the journey I began in youth. I have a belief in the universe, a belief that we can be as were when we took our first breathe. 

I am on the verge of becoming the person I was!  

Sydney, beautiful Sydney! How fortunate am I? I have the bay surrounding me, the sea, the wild sea within my eyesight. I can almost reach the sky from the rooftop of my temporary home .I have a clear view of the Sydney harbor!  I am safe! I am warm and I am fed within the loving arms of my sister, her partner and their friends.

As I continue to comprehend the possibility of small love, of the love for one, as a couple, a union, a marriage,  I have the urge to just enjoy the ride of life, without all the expectations that I once held as my right.

I like many desire to be part of a healthy team, a couple, a couple made up of two. How is this achieved and what do I need to learn in order to remain in love with me whilst loving honestly with another? The small love! I suspect I will have an opportunity for "take two" when and if my time is right. In the meantime I will do my very best, to be the very best I can be and work towards a greater understanding of why I exist, what I can do to contribute to the wellness of the physical beings on earth and of course listen to those who have tread the path before me and those who are experiencing their journey with me.  


I welcome your comments and feedback. This journal and journey of life education is not achieved alone and although, I am advertising this is purely to cover costs of generating traffic to the site.

Kes xx