Chapter 5 Spiders and Cobwebs - Spinning Angels- Out of Control!

   

The sights and sounds of magic! The chickens singing in chorus, the ducks waddling in line, the sun in its glory, the grass waving at me! Yet I think of the Camel!  The Camel! A sensitive elegant beast! The hollows in the ground that soak up the rain! The joy of shade that is for all to be! Something lasting!  

Ha ha! I am on my way home, home to Phuket. I am excited, even with a terrible cold and yet,  certain that I was going to be very busy and playing into the wee hours of the mornings. I had been living a quiet and reclusive existence, so the idea of a few late nights was appealing. My alter ego is coming to the fore!

I was picked up from the airport and we drove to our friends home, my haven for the next few weeks. Our first weekend was devoted to saying farewell to another “mate”. Funnily, everyone expected that I would want to go out and dance and generally make myself at home in and around our local bars and venues. This was the last activity I wanted, I was most happy sitting in my friends poolside lounge chair! This chair had my name on it. I used this to contemplate, to explain myself to my friends, to work and to cry!

 Over the course of three or more days, my friends had received clearly the message of how unwell I was and that I wanted desperately to use this time to heal once and for all. The spark even the mask could not hide my sense of doom and gloom. I was exhausted! Tired of feeling like I was alone, even with loved ones surrounding me. Why did I feel I had little when logic says I have much to be thankful. My intellect tells me I have abundance, yet I am out of control. Emotionally I am broken! My heart is tired, my body is weak, my stomach in knots. I am not well!

My friend miraculously and without knowing my current state of mind, introduced me to a  hypnotherapist.
  

A formal description of hypnotherapy and PLR, is that it is concerned with subjective experiences and from a psychological view considers the pattern of thought. Knowing this opened the concept readily as my work experience with disenfranchised groups had exposed me to many therapeutic methods of counseling and self help programs.

I was ready to try anything. It was described to me as an emotional and organ detox. I was up for it. I was so sick of feeling  fear, behaving like victim in my own mind, riddled with uncertainties and little or no ability to commit and achieve ones goals that once came so easy for me.

I am not going to explain the methods! This can be done through alternative posts.

The first sessions resulted in me being acutely aware of the possibility of having lived past lives.

Now, I to this day, do not profess to believe or not believe. 

Either way, if it were a past life, great, if it was not, it certainly assisted with answering some questions for my current life. Was it my memory, my subconscious, or had I lived in an earlier time? I followed the images that I saw during the state of meditation. I tried to make sense of the images. I discussed what I saw openly, with amusement and excitement that I actually viewed streets and dress of a period not known to me. The research lead me to many countries and discussion of the period of time. 

The research also served to show me that history does repeat itself and that in essence human behavior remains fragile and emotionally strangled. Western civilization as most know, has little, or no spirituality, it is on the brink of failure unless we can unite and reproduce a balance. 

If I am to believe:

I lived in the in the 16^th and 19^th century. I was initially confused as I had originally thought I was located in  Berlin, however further sessions proved it to be Ireland. What is interesting is that I did some research and found evidence of my mother’s family emigrating from Germany (of French/Italian) to Ireland. This was frightening and exhilarating.

So you might ask, what has this got to do with healing and forgiving oneself?. What the therapy did for me was to lead me to a current life, albeit when I was a young child. I experienced a warm and loving childhood. I have parents who continue to hold hands and are clearly in love. My benchmarks! Yet I was a rebellious teenager, I was always looking and searching for that exciting moment. I was reckless and often problematic for my young parents.

I had little reason to connect my negative and destructive adult choices, with the seemingly simple home life of youth. I had love in abundance. A large extended family and grandparents who supported and were involved in our daily lives. 

What I realized  was that I did not love myself, due to the behaviors I exhibited as a teenager. Due to the unhealthy attachments I had with young men and I did not feel worthy of my families love. This has taken me all of my adult life to pinpoint my truth, my relationship with my parents and now the question is how to address this! My parents, in my view, were fearful and did not trust what I might do next. Sound familiar? 

Well I carried this through to every relationship. I now had an opportunity through regressive meditation to correct my self belief and self thought. I am also in a position to have a healthy relationship with my parents, with my own children and with my many friends. 

In one session I saw that:

I was abused by my partner in an earlier life and had three children. I protected those children at the cost of my own well being and yet I remained devoted and faithful. This is a contradiction and not a healthy option for children. If I am to believe in past lives, then I have carried this hurt to the present. It has manifested into my relationships.

In reality, this life, I held the belief that I had abandoned my children, as my work was first and foremost on my mind. It was not always this way! I had not set out to have a career. It was circumstances, again protecting and enabling an unhealthy relationship to continue at the expense of my children.  

I, in my view, was not built for the harsh realities of career and working life. I had given up on my own power, my own belief and values of motherhood in order to provide food and shelter. I had given up my dream of  creativity, of  loving encounters and of  providing beauty in my life and that of my family. I was a dreamer, a romantic!  This loss, and burden I felt with the entire responsibility for the financial health of the family was what I resented most and it manifested in many aspects of my last relationship.

I was barren in another life, however had the love and commitment of one man regardless of the ability to conceive or not. I had an affair, that remained my secret until on my death bed 

The affair was with my soul mate who had been the perpetrator of abuse in my earlier life.

What was this meaning in this life? What if, I were to believe, was this a karmic response that I was experiencing in this life? Or could it be more simple!   

Could it be that my memory was leading me to this point?. Was my sub conscience through meditation and hypnotherapy providing some validity to my existence, some excuse?  SSome karmic response to my own behaviors?

I had an affair when I was young, Was I reinforcing that I am not worthy? In essence I should never trust me, right?

Could I have felt that I betrayed myself, that I lived in an existence that was unworthy due to my own self belief and thought patterns? 

 Was it, my subconscious mind, interpreting how I really felt?

Either way the experience opened the mind and my heart to heal. I spent three weeks in virtual recluse, exhausted emotionally and physically. I worked hard at making some sense of why I could not let go of hurt, why I was attracted to unhealthy male relationships, why I was unwell and why I was persecuting myself.

I did the prescribed exercises not once, but often three times in one day. I took myself to a hypnotic state and meditated. I asked questions, I begged for answers. I saw pictures, colors, memories of when I was young. I dissected it all. I did dream research and listened to my friends’ talk of aura colors and how it related in my view, to the colors I saw when I was meditating.

I went to a temple in my trance. I saw my guide, I embraced and trusted in this therapy. Each day I was feeling stronger emotionally.

I also knew that the time had come for me to adopt a different approach to my relationships with men. I could no longer use behaviors that many women have used for centuries. I could no longer justify my behaviors of the past. I would attract the wrong people into my life. I needed to become friends with my male companions. I must endorse my own set of values, the ones that I did not apply in earlier relationships and look what I did to myself!

I was certain at this point that the man I fondly discuss is one in the same in my sub conscious or previous lives.

Here lies the problems, the solutions, the past and the future. This person was also my guide. He was also in essence the male friend so prominent during the past six or so months of this life.

This was point of anger and frustration for me, as I could not believe that my sub conscious was still playing me for the protector of the ill, the evil and possibly I was to continue as the enabler.

I had played this role all of my life, and my sub consciousness or past lives was letting me know this in no certain terms through the daily meditation.

I was beside myself!  I discussed this at length with my friends and the therapist. My therapists view, as a believer in past life, suggested that what I experienced was in fact my soul mate and we have experienced previous lives together. Good and Evil. What we do in this life to break the pattern is to learn and set destiny in its positive path in order for the remainder of this and the next life to be content and happy.

Or, if I consider that it is my sub conscience talking, I am just playing out my own negative thought and actions. The man has nothing to do with the events that may or may not unfold. I was projecting my fear and lack of trust for my own decisions and intuition!

So, am I considering, that I can be happy when we have experienced such trauma in this and or, if you believe, past lives?

Am I considering it possible that my experiences have all been for a positive outcome, that there was in fact a grand plan for me to experience in this life, the pain and suffering in order to come to this point?

Have I met my soul mate and yet closed the door to him through my abandonment of myself and my own fear of failure and belief in ones own goodness?

Am I considering that I can erase the scars, as these scars are a symbol of my own behavior, not the problem of others?

Am I contemplating a day without anxiety? Without fear!

I believe I was feeling all of the above. Complex yes, though, it is how I proceeded with my daily meditation. I constantly asked for images of a healthy relationship with men and women. I asked for validation, confirmations that I had paid my karmic debt for living a life of half truths and living a life that until now was predominately one  without a balanced dose equally shared between spiritualism, and worldly pleasures.

 

I learned that in order for me to have a healthy relationship with men and women, that I must set my own boundary. I must trust my first instinct and consider that I can only be hurt if I have an expectation of another. I have only one expectation and that is myself to continue to learn and open my heart to the possibilities that are available should I choose to take myself on a continuous journey with honest loving encounters.

The boundary I have established is simple and it is set in concrete. I will not allow anyone to interrupt my own peace, nor will I react to negative behavior. I will continue to provide my love to all, share my heart and embark on a memorable positive end to 2011. 

Throughout the four weeks in Phuket. I did hear from my dearest man. The meeting did not occur. The universe have other plans, and as I sit here now, I know it was for the best, the best for the future and the best outcome for me!

I believe had I made a physical connection, my therapy and the work I am doing now would have been interrupted and stalled. I believe if soul mates connect, and fate is at work, then destiny will set it right. 

Rightful karma is to be restored as there are no time limits on big or small love!

 

I would be kidding myself and you, if I said that I was an altered person. This was not the purpose of the meditation for me and the entirety of the program was to assist and aid in me becoming a well person. I wanted to become as I always was intended to be. I, like all , want to be the best person I can be. I still want to learn and become an enlightened person fall of passion and joy for what the world has to offer.

I would like to be trusted by my peers and my family. There is much to grieve in the world, yet if we do not stop and take in what is beautiful and joyous in our  world we will loose it, as grief serves no long term purpose as it goes hand in hand with violence and destruction. If we do not embrace the good and the beautiful, our world will continue on its spiral downwards. 

I am committed to meditation and will continue to undergo hypnotherapy for the many health aspects that I am yet to face.

I may be of an age with aspects of me are weathered and showing signs of decay, but my heart is young and as vibrant as those heady days of youth.  

It has been eight weeks since my visit to Phuket and I am in Bali on my own and as happy as I have ever been. Has anything changed outwardly? No!

 I have not met many people yet in Bali, as I do not have to rush. Slowly, Slowly!

My circumstances in respect of the past are still unresolved. I am now happy to embrace the past. It is my past after all, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have two wonderful children and the man I shared part of my life with, he did the best he could!  Our relationship ran its course!

 My income level is very low and yet,

 I am sleeping ten hours a day!

 I am eating well!
I am vivid in my imagination!
I am trusting my intuition!
I am assertive though fair !

 I am content to "be", to be still!

 My chatter is reduced or at least it is self promoting and a healthy chatter! 

Should I feel compromised by others behavior, my armor protects me and I withdraw! I am me, I am complex, funny, silly and all of the things I was and I am all of the aspects that I will become as I travel and meet the unique and wonderful people that are part of my world.

Mostly though, I am now happy to dance with my shadow.

In summary, you may be wondering why I had the compulsion to share my inner most feelings and thoughts with largely people I have known briefly. Why I would potentially subject my children and family with pain by my own admissions? Why I would risk being ridiculed or thought of being unstable at best, and or unreliable at worst? 

I, during a moment of madness, promised I would honor the practice of meditation, and demonstrate  my faith in the universe, and spiritualism, should I wake for the day with joy in my heart, without fear in my liver, with a healthy volume of good air in my lungs, without anxiety in my stomach, with a spring  in my step and sunshine through my vision. 

Lastly, my promise to my creator includes a request from  you, my  friends! 

If you know of anyone in your life who is suffering, or not reaching their full potential, due to loss, disappointment, fear, anxiety, depression, anger, any aspects of negative thought, or conditioning,  please ask them to read my journal and consider combining meditation and yoga as a positive approach to self healing and wellness. 

Past life regression meditation is also proven to be valuable, for managing weight, for drugs and alcoholic abuse and many other damaging habits in our modern world!

It is also known to be helpful for physical illness, as I have demonstrated, and it is thought to be benficial for those suffering terminal or chronic disease. 

We can heal ourselves!

I would welcome hearing your thoughts for future discussion.

Big and small love to you all!

Kes xx