We were all singing out of tune, and hoarse with having little else to do, excepting to wind up the sun and moon, or curb a runaway young star or two.~Lord Byron
Phuket ! What a beautiful land! What a feeling of warmth, of a smell that I had not felt since my years living in PNG. I was in shock, was this really me? I was walking the streets, meeting my new friends. I responded to their invites to join in activities, to go to the beach, to eat dinner and to explore the sights and smells that were all so new.
Yet alone in my room I cried, I cried for the familiar sounds and smells I had left behind, my son! My 17 year old son! I sobbed for the loss, for the pain I was still carrying in my every being for nearly 10 months following my relationship dissolving into nothingness. I still felt attached to my partner, my old life, attached to everything that I knew and was comfortable with. I was, at that moment, not feeling as though it was me living it.
Yet alone in my room I cried, I cried for the familiar sounds and smells I had left behind, my son! My 17 year old son! I sobbed for the loss, for the pain I was still carrying in my every being for nearly 10 months following my relationship dissolving into nothingness. I still felt attached to my partner, my old life, attached to everything that I knew and was comfortable with. I was, at that moment, not feeling as though it was me living it.
Gradually, over a course of weeks I began to warm to everyone around me. We were bonding, particularly the girls, we needed each other as we were all new to the Island. I had a brave smile! I talked confidently, and I began to tell my story as honestly as one can.
Although we came from different parts of the world and were at different phases of our lives, human nature is such to gravitate to what is familiar. We began looking for houses in and around the area. We began searching for work. We began to bond with each other!
This too was at the time stressful, as I wanted to prove to myself, to my family, to my work colleagues at home that I could regain a sense of me through being strong and capable.
I did not want to be a victim for too much longer. I did not want to be one of those bitter 50 year old woman, who had lost in love. I wanted to rejuvenate. I wanted to rediscover me!
Outwardly, I was a picture of calm and mostly in control of my emotions. Inwardly I continued to cry silently to sleep each night. I struggled each and every day! I struggled to remain confident and positive that my life was going to make sense and that I would recover from the grief and the humility that accompanies abuse.
Although we came from different parts of the world and were at different phases of our lives, human nature is such to gravitate to what is familiar. We began looking for houses in and around the area. We began searching for work. We began to bond with each other!
This too was at the time stressful, as I wanted to prove to myself, to my family, to my work colleagues at home that I could regain a sense of me through being strong and capable.
I did not want to be a victim for too much longer. I did not want to be one of those bitter 50 year old woman, who had lost in love. I wanted to rejuvenate. I wanted to rediscover me!
Outwardly, I was a picture of calm and mostly in control of my emotions. Inwardly I continued to cry silently to sleep each night. I struggled each and every day! I struggled to remain confident and positive that my life was going to make sense and that I would recover from the grief and the humility that accompanies abuse.
I found that I could not control myself nor outcomes. I had lost the ability of foresight of wisdom. Still unsettled emotionally, I was adopting risky behaviors, such as partying all night, out most week nights and generally living a life of a party girl.
Nonetheless, I fell into a routine and was beginning to make some really good friends. This was a period where there was much laughter and sharing of stories that began the change from absolute turmoil, fear and trauma, to a total blocking all of what represented the past. Again the motion was fast and furious. I did not stop to think or feel much!
Nonetheless, I fell into a routine and was beginning to make some really good friends. This was a period where there was much laughter and sharing of stories that began the change from absolute turmoil, fear and trauma, to a total blocking all of what represented the past. Again the motion was fast and furious. I did not stop to think or feel much!
I obtained a great job that until recently allowed me the freedom to travel, yet remain employed. I am forever grateful to my employer, as he provided me with so much support and empathy over the years that I actually felt at times I should be paying him. The role was nothing like my past experiences, yet it was the catalyst for starting my journal.
An indication that I was still reeling in grief was evident by the inability to commit, or settle into a moderate routine. I moved houses three times in twelve months and although I desired the ideal of my own home I was not able to devote or commit to such a creation.
For those who did not know me prior to 2008, I was a passionate home decorator and spent hours, weeks, months and even years to creating an environment that was somewhat different to the average suburban home.
I continued to cry at night, and often found myself ringing my partner begging him to make this right, to support me emotionally. What a silly woman! The very person, the enemy, the one who I could not trust, was the one person I wanted to talk too!
Behavior is a condition that is learned. Behavior is also a condition that can be unlearned. I knew what I was feeling was absolutely insane. I knew that I was managing well, that this change of circumstances was going to support my recovery, to enable my dreams of being someone who embraced and loved life to the fullest.
Someone, who would one day meet big and small love and provide love freely and willingly.
For those who did not know me prior to 2008, I was a passionate home decorator and spent hours, weeks, months and even years to creating an environment that was somewhat different to the average suburban home.
I continued to cry at night, and often found myself ringing my partner begging him to make this right, to support me emotionally. What a silly woman! The very person, the enemy, the one who I could not trust, was the one person I wanted to talk too!
Behavior is a condition that is learned. Behavior is also a condition that can be unlearned. I knew what I was feeling was absolutely insane. I knew that I was managing well, that this change of circumstances was going to support my recovery, to enable my dreams of being someone who embraced and loved life to the fullest.
Someone, who would one day meet big and small love and provide love freely and willingly.
This roller coaster of emotions continued until mid 2010. I had by then met the two women who would become the support I required to transcend from a broken woman caught in the web of uncertainty to a woman of hope and courage.
Working and playing, we slowly began talking and discussing our lives and experiences. For you to understand the three of us, in a normal environment should not have met, let alone become the friends we are today. I am from Australia and have lead a life similar to many women. I held a full time job, not an ordinary 9 to 5 job, but a role that required commitment and energy. I was a Manager within the Youth Justice division of our state government.
My friends, lives were at the other end of the spectrum, one is from the UK, and enjoyed a wealthy disposition through her father’s employment and status. She was raised in India and in her later years spent considerable time in many parts of Asia as the wife of an expatriate executive. The other is from Chinese descent and works with her family in Hong Kong. Our ages are also interesting, 54, 47 and 31.
The age difference has enhanced the interactions and our different lifestyles all provided exchanges from different perspectives. But, this is not what united us. These differences are academic and in the scheme of our journey insignificant. What is compelling is the willingness to trust each other, to be honest with each other and be available to each other regardless of our current locations.
My friends, lives were at the other end of the spectrum, one is from the UK, and enjoyed a wealthy disposition through her father’s employment and status. She was raised in India and in her later years spent considerable time in many parts of Asia as the wife of an expatriate executive. The other is from Chinese descent and works with her family in Hong Kong. Our ages are also interesting, 54, 47 and 31.
The age difference has enhanced the interactions and our different lifestyles all provided exchanges from different perspectives. But, this is not what united us. These differences are academic and in the scheme of our journey insignificant. What is compelling is the willingness to trust each other, to be honest with each other and be available to each other regardless of our current locations.
What is more interesting is the for the best part of the year we were engaging through email and or our social network site. It is a bit like a long distant relationship that requires effort to maintain it and careful placement of words. It worked for us. It allowed the three of us to say what we felt and receive words of encouragement and even though we may not have experienced the moment, we used reinforcement, such as ,we are capable women, we are beautiful, we are worth the effort and so on.
We discussed all topics, our faith, our families, our men, our desires, weakness and strength. We talk of fears, we listened to each other. We accepted each others views. We sent random messages of hope, wisdom and guidance.
Whenever one was struggling, we banded together and talk through the issue. Often the conflict or emotional breakdown was related to fear, to male connections, to our insecurities. By the year end our friendship was firmly established and our role in the relationship clearly identified. When we were together, the strength and the capabilities were magnified. We laughed at that moment when we realized there was something very powerful between the three of us. The question that we asked each other, is how can we become independently strong, how can we develop healthy relationships with our men friends, how can we learn to be, to be complete women with baggage that has been neatly packed away and not hanging off our back dragging us down as we continue on our journey of life.
We dared to begin dreaming of a life without fear, without conflict and without unreasonable expectations.
I began to seek solace in our relationship. I began to see the value in prayer and meditation. I knew I had to learn to be comfortable with myself and not feel alone. I knew the time was close for me to leave the beautiful island of smiles.
By the end of 2010 and the early part of 2011 I had established a large network of friends. I was maintaining my close relationships with friends in Australia. I had family who were in regular contact and I had reduced and altered my routines. I was a lot more comfortable in my skin. I did not seek amusement. I enjoyed the company of my close friends and continued to encourage and receive encouragement on an almost daily basis.
I was feeling quite confident and had a sense of déjà vu, of a woman I once new. I was beginning to enjoy this “freedom” this single life where I could choose to spend my time as I wished
Yet, although the big love was surrounding me, and I had my spiritual support, I was not capable of the small love, the love of one person. I avoided and chose male friendships that were a tell tale that I still had a long road to fully actualize.
This all changed late 2010 when unexpectedly, I met a man of fabulous intellect, of brilliant engagement, or simple life style and one who has been touched by love of life following despair. He showed me a light, a hope and a belief in myself. He also with free will supported me when my fears overcame my normal sensible self. This friendship took me by surprise and a ride that I was not prepared for. I was like the teenager who had met her first love. I was like a shining beacon. I was alive!
On the negative, I displayed symptoms of insecurity, of fear and mostly of not trusting my intuition, nor did I trust his intent.
By mid March I had almost reverted back to the moments of complete despair of 2008 and 2009. Again, this was closely guarded, as I prepared for my journey home and then to Bali.
Bali was calling me!
Bali was calling me!
2011 was going to test and challenge me more than I ever imagined.
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