Chapter 4 Spiders and Cobwebs - The Knights in Tin Foil

You do not like half-measures. You hate woolly compromises and airy- fairy fudges. You are a go-getter, a hard-hitter, a mover, a shaker and a wholehearted movie-maker. Yet, 'The Devil,' they say, 'makes work for idle hands.' He has all the best tunes. He lives in the detail. And if you ever want him, all you have to do is call his name. What a busy chap! Why is he always depicted as MALE? And while we're on the topic of equality, why can't God do all this too?  Just as God and the Devil have a complex relationship, the distinction between what is a good and what is bad is perhaps not as obvious as it at first may appear to be - Cainer. 

 On the plane leaving Phuket I am reminded again of the insecurities that are overwhelming me, with little or no notice, I am almost hyperventilating on the runway. I am leaving a place I called home for nearly two years. I have one suitcase that holds the entirety of my possessions. I take some deep breaths and do some self talking. 

Chatter and more chatter! I am constantly holding conversation, projections. I move from positive talk to damning condemnation of myself.  I travel back and forth in my mind. Pictures of my past, my present and oh yes the future. I force myself to have faith in the future! I remind myself that this journey is important for my own discovery of self, of others whom I am yet to meet, or learning to be independent and completely open and loving. Was I going mad? 

At times I really believed I was going to open my eyes one morning and I would not be anxious for the day ahead, that I would be in my safe world with love around me. Circling me! The tears build up in my throat and I am struggling to maintain the smile as the plane heads for Kuala Lumpur. I have a fascination with Malaysia and will, I reminded myself spend more time in this largely Muslim country. 

My experience of Malaysia has been genuinely pleasant and there is an attraction that suggests , maybe, just maybe there is a  balance of power, between women and men, that is not seen by the rest of the world.  

I feel stronger, when I permit my mind with options of more change, a way out should I not like my next move. The plane lands and I spend an uneventful night in Kuala Lumpur. 

The following morning I am on my way to Australia, my homeland, my fears, my grass roots. The skeleton one carries is often felt most when in one’s own country. None was truer than this moment for me. Yet, I knew, I knew I was loved, I was going home to relatives, to friends who had been with me throughout this monumental journey. What I did not realize then was the abundance of love that I enjoyed.

My relatives created a safe haven for me! I spent close to four weeks with my mother's, sister, who is in her early eighties and has had more than a fair share of heartbreak and loss. I was humbled as I listened to her, as I heard her story, our family’s history unfolded before me. It provided me with further thirst to uncover some of my innate behaviors, responses and attitudes.

Where did I start? Why do I feel uncertain, fearful of the past and the future? Why so many questions, when I could be just living and enjoying the life I have been given.

I spoke, or heard from my male friend on a regular basis. I continued to have doubt, doubt of his integrity, and doubt of his truth. Through it all, my heart was telling me that he was an honest, truthful man and that I must not only trust him, but believe in him as I must believe in myself. 

Again the damage of past haunted my days. Thankfully this wonderful man, this friend, ignored my “moonbeam” moments and continued to provide me with hope and love that one good friend can offer. He did not leave! He did not commit either. 

This is important as I was not ready for commitments. He would ring at different times of the day and night. Sometimes  it was 4.00 am and was just to tell me a wonderful story, a blessing, or he would text a wonderful verse, that bought laughter and joy!

 I left Brisbane for Melbourne a few days short of my son’s birthday. The house was to go to auction and I had been lead to believe there was no claim from my ex partner, the father of my son. Oh how wrong I was! Again at the eleventh hour the past was not closed. A claim was lodged, some two and bit years after separation. I had come back to Australia with hope that the past was put to rest. Oh I so wanted to see my son without this past still present.

The universe,I kept saying to myself, is teaching you something Kerrie, something big.
My precious daughter and her partner were trying to remain removed as the entire situation caused my daughter too much grief. To see her eyes turn black as if burdened by the pain is something I will never have wished for anyone one, let alone one of my own children. My son, my baby, who to this day does not understand why and how his parents ended up on the pile of broken dreams and promises. 

I had to find an answer for this madness, this past that would not leave me in peace.  I desperately wanted a healthy life with free will to love and be loved. Was this too much to ask? Apparently! So at this point with my pasted mask, I headed towards my hometown and met with my son. A pleasant afternoon was had and we parted lives again, me on to Sydney and he back to the family home with his friends.

Sydney! My sister! In order for you to understand the significance of this, you must know that my sister and I had been distant by location, by lifestyles and by the affects of my relationship with my ex partner. My beautiful sister, she who has many of my qualities, yet unlike me, has inbuilt radar that warns her of negative people and influences. Sitting with her, talking with her, was like seeing a mirror. I felt at home, for the first time in years. I felt safe! I am crying as I write this, as the immense “unconditional love” is what I felt that surrounded me within the walls of this, my sisters home. 

I was reminded when staying with my sister, of a moment in Bangkok the year earlier. It was a time when after nearly six months of my ex partner agreement to help me place the property on the market, and then stone walling my agent. I knew I had to seek legal advice. In order for me to execute this action, I took myself to Bangkok without a phone, without my trusted lap top! I hid from the world in case anyone could see what I was doing. Taking legal action against someone I shared nearly half of my life with, even though he was untrustworthy and deceitful I had insight into his own condition and somewhere in my intellect understood. As did my emotional connection that was still relative to my ongoing struggle and health. Yet I had to close the past. I remained in isolation in Bangkok for seven days!  

On the morning of my planned return to Phuket! I was met by a young Swiss woman in the foyer of the hotel. She approached me with wide eyes and a big smile. She said I have seen you on three different occasions in the past month. Once in Phuket and twice here in Bangkok. I was surprised and listened to what she had to say. I was staying in a five star hotel that was predominately Asian patrons, I was in a location that was not frequented by foreigners, and this woman was a well dressed lady, and was traveling with her parents. 

She said she thought I was beautiful and that I should always surround myself with beautiful, healthy people not the negative, anti social types that I was easily influenced and attracted to. She said, “Does your name begin with “K”, or “C”. Is said it was Kerrie, she had tears in eyes, and her father came over and said that she knew it!! Her favorite actress was the women from some television series  and I had a similar energy to this actress’s character. 

I laughed; a shallow laugh, as I was again close to tears as she had touched my soul that morning. She saw my pain, my struggles and my sensitivities. In fact the exact words she used, was,“stay away from pigs”! How would I know who was a good influence? I was not a good judge of characters, or rather I have not been in the past! I generally accepted all and anyone into my life until they proved beyond a point that I could not take the relationship further. I had also lost the ability to trust myself, to use my intuition. As babies we all use intuition, we are demanding, we yell when we want something, we expect to be loved and we instinctively know when we get this. Babies also smell fear and react accordingly, until conditioned otherwise. It is the conditioning of social behaviors and rules of life that often removes the will to create, to dream and to feel, or smell good and evil. Is this what I had to learn! Is this the message? 

I left the hotel as though I had been lifted from the earth. That my angels were supporting me!

Reflecting on the moment in Bangkok, my sisters love, my companions support, and oh my friends constant encouragement in Phuket and Melbourne, I planned to leave for Bali just six weeks after arriving in Australia.

I was confident as I packed my suitcase for Bali. I was certain the issues of the past would be dealt with fairly and swiftly. I had a meager income and a very little amount of saving left.  I did have faith! Faith in the universe and faith that the law will see to it that I receive what is fair and just.

My faith, now this is a conflict!  I have never been one to openly state that I have faith in the spirits and of another realm. Yet, many years ago, I was told not once but many times that I would one day face my god and that I would be counted and called upon. I laughed as I, like most only prayed when I wanted something. 

Things were shifting. I was choosing friends who were positive and ones that looked for the sun in everyone. I was also exploring my past and my own emotional intelligence. What did I really want in my life, how could I be of benefit to others. Why do we need to live by a set of prescribe rules and actions?

Why are people who dare to be different, frowned upon?  


I felt at times there was really a presence surrounding me, something looking after me, something driving me to question and seek some answers. 

Madness maybe!!!!

I land in Bali fall of hope and excitement. Ubud! Ubud is my first port of call! I decided on Ubud even though I have been told by the one I am learning to trust, that Ubud is a place where tourism has taking the real color from it. I needed to experience this for myself. I want to lay my hat somewhere longer than three months. I wanted a home! 

Want, Want Want!!! 

Why do human beings want, why cant we just BE!

Relocating can be tough enough, when you are in a couple, or a family situation. I have never been troubled by change; it is normally a positive challenge. 

Yet now, I am truly alone for the first time in my entire life. I don’t know a single person on this island. I am simply alone!

Sure, my cousin, my dear friends and family continue to ring, message by whatever means to engage me. I also had my work that kept me focused and in some form of routine. As the weeks progressed, I was beginning to feel the effects of being isolated and all that chatter was leading to a dead end. I was hearing voices, the frogs, the rumble in the sky, all had sounds of messages; or was it the sounds of silence that was affecting my thinking? 

I would leave the villa and feel a presence surrounding me. Instead of feeling comforted I was panicking, I had no one to explain this feeling, this sense. I would then send crazed messages to my close friends, to my family. 

I did not want this! I wanted to be happy on my own, not attached emotionally.  I did not want this at all, I wanted independence. 

I have been yelling to anyone who would listen for most of my life , screaming that I wanted independence. I remember as a child saying to my parents "I just want to be free"!  

I must explain, independence to me does not mean zero commitments, or avoiding of healthy relationships. Independence is made up of equal parts of free will, choice and individual pursuits or journeys that in turn strengthen a bond with your mate or mates. 

Be careful what you wish for!

Did I really want independence? This is what haunted me during the nights. This is what was sending me to doubt my sensibilities, my sanity. I was in fear, I was crippled by loneliness. I was depressed ! I doubt myself! I was frightened. I was lost in my own world of anxiety. I  was seriously unwell!   

The four weeks in beautiful Ubud was a defining moment for me. I was desperately seeking some answers and would have done anything to be safe in the arms of people who loved me.

Yet, I could not bring myself to share this with anyone! I continued to express positive messages as I believe this is a form of healing too.  I continued to gain support from a distance.  My man, phew, just did not buy into my garbage, my ramblings. It is almost as though the man understood way too much about me!

I finally faulted to a point where I begged the housekeeper to take me to see his medicine man. The housekeeper was the only physical connection I had with any one person in four weeks. I was taken to a small village compound, dressed and given some Balinese food. We then drove a few minutes where I waited until the "Balian" was available. I met with the medicine man who prodded me with sticks and drew symbols all over me. He accurately outlined the assessment of me. 

He said, categorically that I carry hurt in my liver. Hurt and deep scars! These scars will not heal until I let go of the hurt and leave the hurt with the person who gave the hurt to me. 

This was not a message of revenge, rather a message for me not to own another person’s behavior. Another person’s behavior should not affect me, nor should I own it! I also knew of this with my now regular readings of Angels and various religious philosophies. I also knew of this through my work with with disadvantaged.

I questioned my faith again, as I still had such a long and difficult journey ahead of me. 

Could I take more challenges without falling into depths of despair? Could I receive love in my heart and maintain an armor of protection as depicted by the Lady of Faith?

This gave me a small window to digest and process. I knew this to be true. It is a counseling technique and one that I have said many times in my working life. Yet here I was holding and not letting go of the hurt that had almost cost me my life and sanity.

I continued with my-self isolation for another three weeks before moving to the small seaside village of Padangbai.

Padangbai is a backpacker haven for those going to the outlying islands. It is also home to some of the most beautiful Balinese I have met to date. I really liked Padangbai, it is was dirty, it was beautiful, but most of all, it allowed me some time where I did not have to perform, I did not have to mask anything and yet I had company when I chose. I stayed in a small home stay, with cold showers, no flushing toilet, though the breakfast was fantastic. It was and is a truly memorable location. The home-stay will be remembered with great fondness and beauty in its simple form. I have made some lovely friends, some young women, and a few men who like myself, were on a journey to better their own lives. 

There was much discussion on the topic of independence, big love and of course we all discussed relationships of the individual kind and the small love of one person. 

What surprised me was the numbers, the vast numbers of women traveling alone. I was and am amazed at this new phenomenon. Women of all age groups traveling the world in search of something more meaningful. In search of a life that provides love and warmth. A life that is independent, yet fully connected with man or other women! Why is this so difficult?

I continued with the sometime manic messages to my friends.  They in turn provided a healthy perspective. I had visits from friends and almost all insisted I move to the more populated and middle class area of Bali.

Padangbai was initially a temporary solution to financial matters that were outside of my control. I chose to live in Padangbai as it was very cheap by comparison, however, it indirectly provided me with further evidence that our world was showing extreme signs of decay and that somehow we must accept responsibility and adopt changes to our relationships between men and women, between faith and monetization. I was also introduced to Yoga.

I had a visa run coming up and used this opportunity to book a flight home to Phuket. Yes, I thought I am looking forward to Phuket, to seeing my friends and to being home.

The day before I was leaving for Phuket my man friend contacted me to say he was going to be in Phuket . I was excited beyond belief. My angels were working for me, and they were not challenging me again. Or were they?

What happens in Phuket would alter my view on life forever!