Chapter 1 Spiders and Cobwebs - A Journey Of Self Discovery

  

What do I refuse to see, and why would I prefer to be blinded
by illusory fears and emotional toxins?

Throughout our lives we to seek affirmation through our relationships and in particular we devote our lives identifying ourselves with what we do, who we are with and in what condition we enjoy our social friendships. 

We satisfy our emotional needs by belonging, to being loved by a single man or woman. We seek professional and social gratification for a sense of completion. Our society also looks at forms of success as being those who are attached by marriage, which are blessed with children, and or those who engage in successful employment, own beautiful homes and enjoy intelligent friendships or kinship.

And there is nothing wrong with this, except, we often, do not consider the implications when and if this ideal may be denied prematurely or by natural means, elude our lives. Does this mean these people lives, our lives are of little value?  

Society on the whole does not consider those who choose a different path, or do not receive the blessing of marriage and or children. Society has a cruel notion of what is a successful life. This crosses all borders, all cultures, and all countries. Our egos can, and does play a role in defending our life circumstances. Our sense of self is projected to defend our right to being happy and lovable.

Equally, we often look at those "of faith" of spiritual pursuits, as being ones who avoid the fruits of labor, mad people, or just plain odd. The societal norm of balance between faith and family, the home makers, the worker is again a measure on who we are and what we represent in a sane, physical world. 

Individuals, who feel they must, remove themselves from the social fabric, in order to reach a place of self enlightenment and in doing so become those who scratch the dirt like a chook to prove that they are faithful to their god’s and or purpose in life outside of the standard framework. Some individuals just do not fit; they are like a round peg in a square hole.

Then there is the spiritual leader who has abundance, He, who has material wealth, he has achieved, in the eyes of our society, enlightenment, respect of world leaders and he in turn has much power and influence. 

Recalling such a leader, there were thousands of people queuing to hear and see him speak. 

And speak he did! He also made reference to the heavy gold watch he was wearing. He pointed out that he enjoyed wearing his expensive Rolex watch and it was a beautiful piece to look at. For memory this man, of high regard  said something like, it was not a curse to like beautiful objects, nor is a curse to enjoy the fruits of economic wealth, as this does not detract from the big love or commitment to my faith in mankind and beyond.

We value those who have immeasurable outward success, the celebrity, the entrepreneur, the spiritual leader, the individual who has reached the pinnacle of modern achievements.

We are often critical of difference, of people who make a sacrifice that appears extreme, and as a result of political policies and rules we are aspiring to maintaining a static society.

We are becoming a society of beige, a blur, of being mediocre in our thinking, blandness in our education, and extreme pressure in our expectations of what constitutes happiness and love. 

There is little color and variety in our lives.

I have worked with many disadvantaged, who were socially, economically and spiritually disenfranchised. Yet, even within the minority group there were many who held a strong faith and belief in what they had learned. Rightly or wrongly!

In considering the disenfranchised, the lonely, and the unloved, does this mean that their lives are a waste of existence? Or do these people serve to remind us of a balance, a balance between good and evil, of sad and happy, of hope and despair? I wonder! 

Is there no opportunity for these people who reside on the edge of what we believe to be a sane and well mannered society? 

Then there are the obscenely economically wealthy, who indirectly destruct and destroy through greed and seduction in the name of wealth. The very people we aspire to follow and they are not happy, nor lovable! 

Do they, with the disadvantaged minority groups serve to remind us of the need for balance, the need for emotional security and a sense of belonging? 

Does it mean because some people who are offensive and or offending against society that they too do not have a right to be supported in the big love and happiness?  Does this mean that they are not worthy of big love? 


I expect that the universal justice for one and all is felt many times during our lives.

The mentally ill or physically challenged! Do they not deserve their time on earth to be happy and loved? 

The poverty stricken and or the minority groups, who are struggling to place food on their table and have little time, nor energy to think about such things as happiness!  

Is this a sign of a robust, happy society that values the love of all living creatures big and small?

We are continually undergoing life tests and our will is challenged in order to remain faithful to ourselves, to others who touch our lives and of course, if you do so believe our faith in a higher the spirit.

So this leads me to question, what is the purpose of my life?

What have I learned that sets me apart? What can I continue to do, to contribute and share my thoughts in order to create a vibrant, robust connection with those I meet during my own journey?

I am not a Spiritual leader! I am not the beautiful young individual who denies comfort, security, children and the small love of one man or woman, in favor of scratching the dirt to survive as she or he continues on an inward journey through protest and avoidance of common societal expectations!

I do not attend church on Sundays! Nor do I follow one particular faith or belief! 

I am not offensive to others, or a criminal who has clearly been given a tough gig and one that for the most part is not intentional, nor is his or her life easy to correct in a world of corruption, easy money and broken families. 

I am not one of immense economical wealth, nor am I stricken by extreme poverty!

For all the individuals who take different paths, who embrace their own world and have a faith in their own abundance, happiness in bucket loads, and love of all, big and small, what is the question? 

Why all the suffering in both big love and small love?  Why is there so much pain, violence, and detachment in our quest to survive?

Why is there poverty of the heart and soul, and then as a consequence to poverty, crime, cheats and liars? 

Why do we describe poverty in the material sense? Is there not poverty in the spiritual? 

Is there not poverty in big and small love?

So what is happiness, what is love, and how is it sustained? 

Now this is tough, when all of the issues in life is circling and affecting our very core, our very belief, and our corners in the night that forces many masks to protect our heart in the light of each day!

How do we rise above this psychological warfare to continue our life in the sun with completion, regardless of environment, status, and personal achievements, such a marriage, family, and friends?

How do we love the unlovable? 

How do you embrace the ego, our sun and moon, our inner and outer selves to become content, happy loveable beings? How? 

Is it really achievable, this state of happiness and big or small love?

If it is, then I wanted it. What was I to do to achieve this eternal bliss and contentment for which I crave and how do I place the importance of my relationships in a balanced yet protective manner. And to ensure that those I meet do feel loved and a sense of belonging regardless of circumstance? 

How do I defend what I truly believe to be the core of my existence? 

How do I challenge others thinking and behaviors whilst remaining love centered and lovable?

Many do not consider the inner most being, the nourishment that our own heart, mind and soul can provide in order to truly feel complete, and loved, by self.

We miss the simple message of abundance that is available every day of our lives, yet, if we choose to embrace the belief in ourselves and those who we see as significant to our being, love is and does surround every one of us, every day and in every way!

We may negate and therefore ignore the importance of what we give to another in the quest to be loved. We frequently project our selfish needs, our hurt, our distrust, our experiences, whilst claiming the virtue of love.

Yet, the very people who we aim to please, we see through our eyes, we lose sight of what are their needs, and what is important through their eyes.  We deny the ultimate satisfaction of sharing our love and acting with selfless regard so individuals can achieve their personal happiness. 

We fight those we love in order to meet our own needs, and therefore crush the love of the other through denying their freedom, or their own life purpose.

Imagine a world where men and women obtained trust that permitted a loving relationship but encouraged and expected each to follow one’s own journey as individuals yet connected by a commitment of small and big love.

We often miss the simple signs and messages that are sent every day and leave us wanting, angry, sad or mistrusting and ultimately we destroy the very relationships we embraced to affirm our belonging and self worth. 

So, what does this all mean when we look at own relationships and most importantly our own self love?

How can we possibly love with open hearts, without fear, or want or neglect? How do we embrace the concept of big love and small love with equal heartfelt measures? How do we live and love in a world that is often angry, is often unkind and a world that is increasingly selfish?

My journal is an account of some amazing  women and men who I met  Thailand, Indonesia and Australia. It is also a testament to love given to me by my family, my friends and above all my increasing awareness of the importance to love my self and be true in my desire to embrace and trust in what I cannot always see.

I give our words of how and why I overcame the feeling that we felt as though we were Spiders bound and strangling in the Cobweb of life expectations, through past experiences, our current situation and mostly our future aspirations. Some of our own doing, some of it fate and some just simply leading us to our destination, present and in the future unknown.

This is my  experience that is leading me on a path of simple happiness, complex love and individual faith that is as different as we are, however the bond of respect that is a hallmark of our friendship and love for each other and those who enter our lives.

What brings us together is universal, what sustains our relationship is unique, what the future brings is strength, love and trust that arose by sharing our selves, by exchange, when living on the brink of despair, of broken spirits, of depression and of shallow desires, all the while located in what can only be described as a personal paradise of abundance. It tells of our travels and the reflection of what we gained and learned from these life changing events.

What we find within each individual is a chorus of hope, of courage, of individual talents and most of all of blind faith in Men and Women loving and living through our guiding spirits and trust in human kindness. 

Ultimately, we experience the laughter, at the silliness, the joy, at our own realizations, the humility of good friendships and the honesty that sustains our individual relationships. We also embrace the individual’s journey and the wealth of learning and experience we bring to our lives, regardless of location, of space, of time.

My story is one of friendship, of sisters, of finding our own power within, of love. It is a story of compassion, of learning to explore with an open heart, of trust, of sheer will to achieve what had eluded us and also identify with the tragedy of others, who continue to live in isolation and fear.

But mostly it is a story of opening ones heart to the beauty that is in all of us and what we contribute in each others lives,in becoming complete men and women, who live and love with selfless independence and unconditional expectation of achieving ones personal journey, together and alone, but never lonely!

I am learning to become who I have always been. I have become the woman I am today because of my relationships. I  will become the women of tomorrow because of my relationships.

To the men and women I  have met, I cherish you! For without the conflict and the question mark between Men and Women what would there be?

It is my firm belief that we ALL have a grand plan to be the best we can be in this life and if you believe strongly, the universe will support and guide you on your path of continued self discovery and whole of life love. 

This in turn equips us with the ability, the true ability, to love another whether it is through the big world love or the individual small love and not feel wanting or disappointed when people do not reach our expectations.

Our natural intuition that we are all born with is often stifled.

Modern society is seductive and celebrates the outward achievements, rather than a whole approach that builds on faith, a merging of work, play and freedom without fear and threat.

Men and women have often chosen unnatural paths, which limit and restrict their thirst for knowledge, their creativity and above all their intuition to trust their feelings. This can increase the conflict through selfish needs, and desires. 

The cycle of wealth needs and reliance on the economic system, is destructive and void of spirituality. There is an increase in isolation, separation and burden for individuals that are members of stale and loveless communities.

Mental health illness is rampant, as is many other physical illnesses that can only be account in many instances to unhappy people. 

In order to be happy we must own, we must have, and we must do, is a perfect example of the seduction and motivation that surrounds modern communities and societies.

Children are often viewing a world that appears hopeless, and their parents are void of positive emotion and joy in their daily lives. Education is not an entitlement in the modern society; it is designed for the elite and the economically wealthy. In fact we have dummied the education for many to a point where it is based on enrollment, attendance and funding as a measure of success!

As with people who must have, there are those who take the path of least resistance, avoid the challenges of modern society, deny any attachment, and for some take a path of crime, violence, gambling and substance abuse. All of this for the aim of belonging in order to feel safe, secure and loved within their own environment or their chosen sub culture!

In essence we have lost a balance, the tick and tock, yin and yang, the  warm fabric of society’s that is nurtured through communities, but mostly we have lost the art of loving ourselves, of loving those around us regardless of their circumstances, regardless of their status, regardless of their past and future.   

To heal the pain of life experience and undo what my friends and I thought we knew, what we thought was right and safe in our personal quest in life. We reached out for big love and took the lessons we received and learned from the experience. 

We aim to embrace life, as this was and is the canvass to test our will, to test our faith, to test our love and finally, in our humble experience, test the ability to free the love within each of us, in order to receive all that is available in abundance for all of the living.   Men and Women!

To friends, family, bloggers, past, present and future, we thank you! We hope you read our story and take with you the love from within it.

Kes xx